One way to trace my path of healing can be to look at the dynamic between my higher self and my lower self. I firmly believe that I, and all people, are spiritual beings on an earthly journey. Part of that earthly journey is facing the dynamic between our higher self and our lower self.
Definitions. I see my higher self as being the part of me which exists beyond this lifetime. Its voice is my conscience, my highest ideals are its aims; it is that part of me which represents what is most noble and good about me.
My lower self is, I think, deeply connected to painful experiences which became formative for me. People treated me in certain ways, things happened, and I began to build up an identity based on those perceptions and events.
I believe that what we call the "soul" is the space in which the higher self and lower self dynamic plays out.
Obviously, these definitions are very inadequate descriptions; what I am alluding to is extremely difficult to describe with any kind of certainty or accuracy.
I had glimpses of my higher self throughout my early years. But often there were not people there around me who could see my essential self and help me to attach my higher self firmly to my general self image. I became fairly unaware of what my higher self was like. It was always there, but I was only dimly aware of it. By the time I got into high school, my lower self was doing stuff that was painful to me and to others.
Sometimes we see a person who operates effectively on the earthly plane while maintaining a clear connection to their higher self. It is beautiful to see and probably not that common.
Though my path to such a place of "integration" has had its fair share of bumps, I see tremendous value in continuing that way. This blog is very helpful to me, in this way, because it is a place to cop to elements of my lower self, share insights about what's happening in my soul, and to try and clarify which parts of me are more "lower self" and which are more "higher self". It is clear to me that when I shine the light on my own lower self, its power over me tends to lessen. It can be a fearful step to shine the light on something I'd rather keep hidden. But once I have done it, the fear subsides and I am more free than I was before. I have engaged this process enough times now that I KNOW it to be true.
In my early twenties I began following a spiritual path. I lived in a spiritual community for two years and worked in a context that helped me to focus on building my higher self. My wife, who I've known since my later twenties, has been the person who has most consistently helped me to see aspects of my higher self. Her gift to me in this way (not to mention many other ways) is of immense importance to my life. The rest of my life will be very different than it might have been, because of her.
So, starting in my mid twenties, I was having more experiences of my higher self. At the same time, my lower self, filled with anger and sadness and pain and despair, was angling to "win out" in defining who I am.
Being increasingly identified with my higher self while feeling my lower self rising up to try and dominate how I identify myself has been, shall we say, uncomfortable. It's been like treading through a viscous, soupy swamp, with moist warm arms trying to wrap around me and control me. The arms try to pull me down. They try to pull me away from others. They try to pull me away from myself.
They're like the cobwebs in Shelob's lair, for all you "Lord of the Rings" enthusiasts. They stick to me and try to hold me from what my higher self would have me do. I suppose one could see Shelob herself as a representation of the lower self. Only, it is a picture of the lower self at the moment when we are closest to hearing the call of the higher self and doing something important for ourselves. That's the moment when the lower self can seem to have the greatest power over us. Naturally, it wants us to believe that its power is greater than what our higher self can bring to bear. Pernicious illusion!
Frodo is given the "Phial of Galadrial" to take on his journey. It contains the "Light of Earendil". In the movie script Galadrial says to Frodo: "I give you the light of Eärendil, our most beloved star. May it be a light for you in dark places, when all other lights go out." So at the moment when Frodo was being overwhelmed by the forces of darkness, there is the piece of light which leads him back to his higher self, and enables him to continue on his mission. Of course, "trusty Sam" is a key helper to Frodo, helping him to survive and continue on their journey.
I think Mr Tolkien might have been on to something.
Your comments are welcome.
Warmly, Ben
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