My name is Ben Peterson. That is not my real name. Anonymity allows me to write about topics that might be shocking and upsetting to members of my family of origin. In time I hope to gently bring aspects of what I write about to my family in such a way that we all can experience some form of healing. But for now, this blog is about my process and not holding back any longer.
My purpose in writing and maintaining this blog is to research the place mental illness has had in my life. By research I mean both insights I get from outside sources as well as what I find by looking within. The outside sources represent the maps, gear and knowledge I bring to the cave entrance. My inner experience is the spelunking.
My mother and father have both struggled with mental illness. My mom suffers from bipolar and has been taking medication for most of the last 25 years to treat this illness. My father, who had a much shorter tenure in my life, almost certainly suffered from serious depression in addition to serious alcohol addiction. He killed himself when I was 14.
I am now in my early forties. My life is stable and very wonderful in many ways. I have a fantastic wife and two amazing step-daughters and consider myself a very lucky man. Up until this past year I had been a teacher for twelve years. Right now I am in the midst of a career change and am trying to discover where my best place to work might be.
In my twenties and thirties I moved into my adult work and family life as if mental illness had not played a major role in creating who I was. My life was reasonably happy and successful. I became a valued teacher and colleague in both schools where I taught, and my family life was increasingly rich, satisfying and stable.
A few years ago something inside of me began to change. I began to feel a kind of force pressing in on me. One aspect of this affected my identity as a professional wage earner. Both of my parents had significant employment challenges starting when they were in their 40s. Would I follow their example? Would there be an "echo" of their experience that would find itself emerging in my life?
In late 2007, with encouragement from my wife, I set out to find a support group for family members of people with mental illness. This led me to take a course called "Family to Family" sponsored by the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). The course offered excellent information about mental illnesses and, more importantly for me, how mental illness can impact the sufferer's family.
While taking this twelve week course I began to realize that vast parts of my psyche had been living in a protective bubble that enabled me to survive my childhood; a situation which was now preventing me from becoming a true adult. The protective bubble is one section among many inside the cave that I plan to explore.
Having recently done some reading on the topic I've found that there are many common experiences among people like me. What I am calling "people like me" for the purpose of this blog is Adult Children of the Mentally Ill (ACMI).
The term "ACMI" I found in a book called My Parent's Keeper by Eva Marian Brown. I like the sound of the term. Maybe it's because it looks and sounds like "ACME", the place of excellence and perfection we human beings are all striving for.
I plan to post once per week, every Thursday. My hope is that those who read this blog, especially those who are ACMIs themselves, will find information, solace and support on your own journey of healing and transformation. I welcome your comments.
