I have realized over the past week or so that my experience of betrayal is looking more and more like one of my core issues. Last week I wrote about how in my therapy group we were asked to do an exercise. We were to bring to mind a painful experience from our past and meditate on it for a few minutes. Then, we were to say the following phrase, "I felt ______." and fill in the blank with the feeling surrounding the experience. What's more, we were asked to verbalize that sentence in such a way that the group would understand deeply how you felt about the experience. It was a way to get away from all the verbiage and "story" and just get to the raw emotion connected to the trauma.
The experience I went to was one that occurred when I was thirteen years old. My mom and I had been just the two of us since my folks split when I was five years old. For eight years our family was just us two. We were the only players on a team. That team was called, "we're going to survive." Mom had had boyfriends, but they had never moved in. Now one was moving in. That felt VERY different. I had had a lot of space to myself and even though mom did not have a lot of time or attention for me, at least I didn't have to share her with another person.
One evening, a few weeks after boyfriend had moved in, we three were at the dinner table and had just finished dinner. I remember my mom lecturing me about something and telling me that I couldn't do something I wanted to do. I totally forget what it was about. I was mad at being told no, and went over to the fridge. At that point the boyfriend reiterated the lecture my mom had been giving me. I thought to myself, "who the hell is HE to be lecturing me like he's my parent" and under my breath I said, "F*** you". He jumped up, ran over to me and started slapping me down to the floor. "Don't you EVER say that to me!" he said, red faced with anger coiled and ready to explode at a much higher level. I am pretty sure he said something about kicking my ass if he needed to, but I was in such shock, my head was spinning.
I looked to my mom for some smidgeon of support. She gave me none. She supported him completely. If she ever brought it up again I don't remember it. For me, it was a shattering experience. I had been doing my part to help our family-of-two survive for all these years and taken some pretty good lumps in the process. Having my mom switch her loyalty so quickly to this guy felt like the world was slipping out from under my feet. My dad had betrayed me. Now mom was betraying me. She was looking at all that I had done in service of our family, all that I'd sacrificed, and decided that it wasn't worth anything. The deed I had done was deemed worthless.
Just to put the icing on the cake, about five months later we received word that my dad had killed himself. He betrayed me a second time. The hope that I would some day be able to get to know him, to spend time with him, that was gone. He was gone.
My mom's betrayal stands between us all the time. I hold it against her. I do not trust her to treat me well. There have been other issues over the years, but nothing that compares to the betrayal I felt that day. I built a wall between her and me. I built a wall between me and any feelings I might have for my dad. That same wall stands between me and pretty much every person I meet. Between me and my family, my friends, everyone. Stay back! my gesture says. I am a nice guy. I am a friendly guy. But my inner gesture says "Stay back!"
At some level I do not trust other people to do right by me. I expect them to betray me. Somehow, my wife has gotten around this high wall, by deeply reassuring me that she will not betray me. She has done that for years, and I profoundly believe her. Everyone else gets my wall to one degree or another. They get my inner "talk to the hand!"
I know that my parents were not trying to harm me. I know that they were not plotting to betray me. But my experience was of being betrayed. And it was an experience which has deeply influenced how I interact with all people.
If I were not to work on this issue, I am pretty sure that I'd become more like a hermit as time goes on. I don't want to be a hermit. I want to overcome this and be able to have friends that I don't act all strange around. I'm going to have to work on this one. But at least I am learning about its nature and how it affects me.
It feels pretty crappy to sit with these feelings. But it's better than being mired in confusion, and that's where the feelings around this experience have been up to now. This is an insight I can build on.
Your comments are welcome.
Warmly, Ben
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