Wiggly Bits

I had a small victory this past week and I'd like to pat myself on the back.   I went to the community where my mom lives and stayed with her for a few days.    

When I got there,  my mom picked me up and we walked to the parking lot to get her car.   As we were almost to the car she started looking for her keys.   "Oh,  I hope I didn't lock my keys in the car."  she said.   As we got closer,  we realized that the car was running.   She had come into the station to get me and had absent-mindedly left her car running the 20 or so minutes she had been there.   

Inwardly I was freaking out while outwardly I was remaining cool.   This is a place I know all too well.     A difference from my traditional pattern with mom,  however,  was that I was inwardly acknowledging that I was freaking out.    It used to be that I would see mom do strange things and then deny to myself that they were strange.   I really wanted to be part of a "normal" family so I chose not to see what others saw right away.  I did not acknowledge to myself inside that what she was doing was upsetting to me.   Instead I went into a kind of foggy denial,  an alternate reality that made me feel a constant low-level anxiety.   

In retrospect,  I can see why I felt anxious.   As a child I was trying to make grounded connections with  "life on earth".     I relied on my mom as the primary model of how to make that connection.   Whenever she acted strange,  bizarre or ungrounded (which was fairly often),   both my stability and my perception of what is true in the world,  were shaken to some degree.    I was trying to build up the structure of my stable consciousness on a foundation that had some issues.   

But life,  and development,  move on.   I continued to develop whether I was ready for the next step or not.   And so,  interspersed between all of my logical,  reasonable and well-grounded ideas and behaviors,  there are little "wiggly bits";  they make the overall structure of my consciousness less secure than I'd like it to be.

So,  now that I've acknowledged my "wiggly bit syndrome",   what can I do about it?   It seems like a good step is to find new models of how to do things and re-learn.   I can steadily establish new patterns and find my way through to newer,  stabler ground.

So,  returning to the car incident,   I tried to find a way to deal with this upsetting information that she forgot to turn the car off when she came to pick me up.  At the time,   I began  running scenarios that involved her being unable to live where she does now.   She'd be coming to where I live and where I would need to be much more responsible.  Needless to say,  this is not a happy prospect for me.   

As I did this,  I flashed on an article I read recently for a social work class I'm taking.    It talked about how adult children can be overly forceful when they see their elder parents showing signs of aging.    The article recommends that adult children take a deep breath and look carefully at what the needs are,   and not necessarily rush in to try and change the parent's whole scene.   

So I took a deep breath,  acknowledged my feelings,  and decided to keep observing to see how she was doing overall.   What I came to during the two-day visit was that she seems to be doing just fine.   She has a number of friends and social connections.   She gets around in her car pretty well.   She is able to care for her two animals.   She seems happy.

In short,  I can be a support to her but I don't need to rush in and change her scene.

Thank God!

My being grounded during this episode strengthened me.   The stress of the moment was an opportunity for my "wiggly bits" to show themselves and for me to freak out and move into "foggy denial".  But I didn't.   I showed myself,  in that particular moment,  how to make my own mental structure more solid.    And I can build on that.   

I feel pretty good about how that went.

Your comments are welcome.

Warmly,  Ben

Free Space

I see my healing process as relating to my two selves:  my higher self and my lower self.   My higher self has a pretty good sense that I,  and all people,  are perfect children of God.   That we are spiritual beings on an earthly journey.   That our lives are lawful even in the parts which are painful.   That we are blessed whether we know it or not.

My lower self,  on the other hand,   sees me and others as "less than",  "lacking",   and "flawed".     To some degree,  it sees life as senseless,  heartless and about doing anything it can to avoid the painful blows which rain down without end.   It is not a pretty picture.   This lower self picture would have me find some nice addiction to settle into,  whether it be alcohol,  work,  sex,  or whatever.   Any activity which would "keep me"  from seeing the "awful truth" of existence more often than absolutely necessary.

The patterns that I have described in this blog as "The Bubble"  are the mechanisms my lower self uses today to establish its control over my thinking.    This blog helps me to counter that impulse.    I have been making inroads and I can also see that there is a lot more ground to cover.   Basically,  I have to replace the thinking my wounded self uses with thinking that comes consciously out of my higher self.     I have to acknowledge my wounded self,  have compassion for him,  then nurture him into a space where my "frightened child" thinking doesn't influence my life so much.

What I am referring to here is taking place in me at the subtle level.   These impulses are not writ large on me in an obvious way.   They are subtler levels of my thinking, feeling and will which relate to choices I make and how I view myself and others around me.   They are not visible chains but they are chains nevertheless.

Last week I wrote about how running,  learning to play guitar,  and doing yoga were part of a new impulse of my higher self.   This recognition seems like an important moment for me.   The reason is that much of my activity so far in life has been related to either:  1) things I thought I "should" do or 2)  things I was doing to "keep myself on an even keel before the next wave hits".     Insofar as I was motivated in this fashion,  my will was following directions from the frightened and wounded little child who is in me.   

This new space I am referring to,  the one where I am doing things  just because it makes me truly happy to do so,  I'll call "free-space".   I think "free-space" is a good term because it actually opens up the space in my heart area.   These activities: running, guitar and yoga  make me feel good in my body.    What makes me feel so good about them has to do with my motivation.     I find myself aspiring to grow in my practice of all three.   

The "old me"  would say,   "just do enough of the activity to make it easier to withstand the next blow".   

The new me says,  "I don't have to live my life hunkered down,  waiting for some horrible thing to happen.    I can live life as if life is a wonderful and glorious place to be".     

This second way of thinking will put me,  over time,  into a really different relationship to the world and the beings in it.   And that's the path I want to take.

Your comments are welcome.

Warmly, Ben

For Me

I have done something new lately.   I have started doing some things "for me".   Not because I have to.  Not because I am "supposed to".   Just because it makes me happy to do so.   

One is running.   Another is yoga.  The third is playing guitar.   Now granted,  I am at a pretty low skill level at each of these.   But you know what?   I am OK with that.   I am doing it for me.

Someone might hear me say this and ask,  "You go jogging a few times a week,  do a few sun salutations,  plunk away at a guitar and you're now ready to call a press conference!?"  Admittedly,  these are not earth-shattering activities.   

What's different is my motivation.

A lot of my "doing" activity in life to date has been wrapped up in the patterns I am trying so hard to transform.    A major motivational pattern for me has been:   "There is going to be a crisis soon so I need to be ready for when it hits."      I go to the gym for this reason.   It's not that I love going to the gym.   It's that,  at the level of motivation,   I have to de-stress myself and stay in reasonably good shape so that I can function and be ready for the next crisis to hit.    I always do activities at the gym which are very "safe".   It's hard to get injured riding a stationary recumbent bike.

My going running on a regular basis seems to be shifting the pattern in regards to "working out".   I am doing it because it makes me feel good.     I feel myself growing in the activity rather than just "maintaining".   I am creating something new in my soul  rather than achieving a consistent  state of "readiness".

My yoga practice also carries this feeling of growth,  of making me feel happier being me.  It seems like the yoga and running go together;   one makes my muscles sore and the other makes them all nice and stretchy.   

It's all part of me trying to find a new relationship to my body,  discover a new way to be in my body.    Maybe drop a few pounds.   The pounds are there because,  according to my defense mechanism,   I need to be steady,  strong,  substantial,  to help when the emergency comes.   Also to cover up my shame.   If I were skinny maybe you would see into me in a way that would be uncomfortable for me.   Keep a bit of weight on--keep others at a safe distance.

In the past I did not pursue hobbies much at all.   I didn't know what to do with myself after I was done doing the things I "had to".      The self talk was,  "I don't deserve to do things just to make me happy."   What came into my free time were movies,  video games, etc,     things that did not bring me any measure of contentedness.   They did not leave me feeling good about myself.   When I go running,  try to stick my foot behind my head,   or plunk at the guitar,  I feel good about myself.     

I don't need to be the quiet martyr any more.   I don't need to be ever inwardly prepared for impending disaster.    I don't need to hold myself in the mental sheath of the terrified little kid.   

Out of who I am essentially,  I can grow into what I can be.   

As the great Greg Brown sings,   

"as the branch is bent so shall it grow
that might be true but even so
a strong wind of real love
will straighten us right back up
and we might find a place our heart is welcome"

(From the song,  "If You Don't Get it Home" on the album "Further In")

Your comments are welcome.

Warmly,  Ben