Fingernails

I have a few nervous habits that have been part of my expression ever since I can remember.   There are other mini-tics I have had in the past and which,  for some reason,  have gone out of rotation.    My perception is that I do not present as an overly nervous person.    But I guess the truth is that I hide my nervous habits pretty well.   I am sure my wife sees them all pretty clearly,  and she is kind enough to not point them out too often.

My primary nervous habit is that I bite my fingernails.  I am pretty sure that I began biting them when I was about six years old.   It's possible I bit them before six;  I don't remember but I kinda don't think so.    If you've read some of my other blog posts,  you may remember that age six was the time when I endured a number of traumas.   I was molested,  my dad abandoned me,  and my mom went to work full-time and was swallowed up in her work-life.   These events spurred in me a sense of insecurity,  which was compounded by the facts of my life in general when I was a kid.   

When those traumas hit me at age six,  I did not freak out.   I did not scream and cry,  although I am sure I wanted to.    My coping was quiet.  My M.O. became "Do not add any stress to mom".     Rather than let all that pain and suffering come out, I brought it all back into myself.   I ate it.    

The insecurity that arose in me, the nervous energy that was needing to express itself,  came out in biting my fingernails.     Also in wetting the bed, which I did  until I was eleven or so.    And sleepwalking,  which I still do on rare occasion.   

Although I do not currently wet the bed and rarely sleep-walk (my wife is very grateful for this),  thirty-five years later I still bite my fingernails   I have never stopped. Through this nervous habit I am tied to the events of that time of my life.   I try not to pick at them when others are around.    

It's funny,  because biting on my fingernails does not make me feel any more secure.   If anything it makes me feel less secure.   Sometimes I hide my nails from being seen by others.   Hiding my fingernails is kind of like hiding myself from others in general.   I don't want others to see my bitten nails (shameful self) so I hide my nails (self) from them.     

My fingernails are a constant reminder to me of how insecure I am.   How I feel ashamed of who I am.   Don't get me wrong--I think I am a good person and I do like myself.   But there is a voice in me which runs directly counter to my seeing myself in positive terms.

Were I to fully immerse myself in my shame,  I would hear a narrative something like this one:   "I have a great, big,  awful thing about me and that if you somehow catch a glimpse of it you will react to me with horror and disgust."    

My conscious self,  of course,  keeps all that under wraps so that no one would think that I was experiencing such a inner feeling.   It is a message below the surface of my conscious mind.   It is the voice of my lower self,  of my wounded child.   

Having bitten my nails for thirty five years now it is quite the ingrained habit.   I do not remember using a nail clipper to trim my nails EVER in my life.   I am not kidding.

So how do I break this habit?   Do I suddenly feel good enough about myself one day and stop chomping?   My sense is that it will happen in a fashion something like this:   

I will reach into the deep shame I feel about myself and overcome it.    Nothing a few years of ACA meetings and group therapy can't handle.   Then,  I will decide from my inner Self to break the habit.  And because the feelings of shame are no longer (or to a much lesser degree)  pressing in on me,  my decision to break the habit will not be overwhelmed by the disruptive power of my shame.   The work I do on  myself will give me the basis to stop munching the little guys.

Sounds like a good plan,  eh?   I'll let you know how it works.

Your comments are welcome.

Warmly,  Ben