Adult Children of Alcoholics

I have recently been introduced to the group ACA/ACOA,  Adult Children of Alcoholics.     I have never thought to go to any of the 12 step groups because of two things:  first,   my dad,  an alcoholic,  was out of my life when I was relatively young (age six).   Second,   I have never had any kind of serious substance abuse issue.   I have had brushes with compulsive behavior but not at a level I thought would warrant 12 step involvement. 

My thinking on this matter is changing and ACA seems like it may be the group for me.   

First of all,  ACA is a group for adult children of alcoholics as well as adult children of dysfunctional families.     Apparently,  they have found that many of the principles apply to both groups.   As I read the ACA tome "The Big Red Book" the issues laid out there ring very powerfully for me.   ACA has a foundational statement called "The Laundry List" which speaks to the shared experience of folks like me.    There are fourteen points and I'll list them below:

_____________________________________________________________

The ACA Laundry List

1) We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.

2) We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.

3)  We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.

4)  We either become alcoholics,  marry them or both,  or find another compulsive personality such as workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.

5)  We live life from the viewpoint of victims,  and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.

6)  We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility,  and it is easier to be concerned with others rather than ourselves;  this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults,  etc.

7)  We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.

8)  We become addicted to excitement.

9)  We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue".

10)  We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).

11)  We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.

12)  We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in  order not to experience painful abandonment feelings,  which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.

13)  Alcoholism is a family disease;  we became para-alcoholics (co-dependents) and took on the characteristics of the disease even though we did not pick up the drink.

14)  Para-alcoholics (co-dependents) are reactors rather than actors.

_____________________________________________________________

Let's see which ones seem to apply to me.     I will use a scale to rate how much each of the points on the list seem to apply to me.   Terms are "Definitely" (3),  "Yes" (2),  "Sort of" (1)  and "Not so much" (0).   

1)  Definitely

2)  Definitely

3)  Definitely

4)  Yes,  I have dealt with compulsive behaviors in myself.

5)  Definitely,  though my wife has helped me start to find a different way.

6)  Definitely

7)  Definitely

8)  Not so much--though perhaps people who know me would see it differently.

9)  Sort of--this used to be more true for me than it is now.

10)  Definitely

11)  Definitely

12)  Not so much--I have often done the opposite,  which is to neglect relationships,  often because I was afraid of people seeing how shameful I am.

13)  Yes--this is likely true to some degree.  I'll have to research characteristics of alcoholics more to get more clear on this one.

14)   Definitely--I often see myself as being more of a reactor than actor.   I very much want to change this trait of mine.   

My score:   out of 42 possible points (answering "definitely" to all 14) I scored 32.    My score would likely be higher if not for the model my wife has shown me over the past decade.    I have gradually been addressing these issues in my my life but still have much more work to do.    It seems very clear to me that the ACA material could be very helpful to me if I decide to take it up.

What do I have to lose?

Your comments are welcome.

Warmly, Ben