I see my healing process as relating to my two selves: my higher self and my lower self. My higher self has a pretty good sense that I, and all people, are perfect children of God. That we are spiritual beings on an earthly journey. That our lives are lawful even in the parts which are painful. That we are blessed whether we know it or not.
My lower self, on the other hand, sees me and others as "less than", "lacking", and "flawed". To some degree, it sees life as senseless, heartless and about doing anything it can to avoid the painful blows which rain down without end. It is not a pretty picture. This lower self picture would have me find some nice addiction to settle into, whether it be alcohol, work, sex, or whatever. Any activity which would "keep me" from seeing the "awful truth" of existence more often than absolutely necessary.
The patterns that I have described in this blog as "The Bubble" are the mechanisms my lower self uses today to establish its control over my thinking. This blog helps me to counter that impulse. I have been making inroads and I can also see that there is a lot more ground to cover. Basically, I have to replace the thinking my wounded self uses with thinking that comes consciously out of my higher self. I have to acknowledge my wounded self, have compassion for him, then nurture him into a space where my "frightened child" thinking doesn't influence my life so much.
What I am referring to here is taking place in me at the subtle level. These impulses are not writ large on me in an obvious way. They are subtler levels of my thinking, feeling and will which relate to choices I make and how I view myself and others around me. They are not visible chains but they are chains nevertheless.
Last week I wrote about how running, learning to play guitar, and doing yoga were part of a new impulse of my higher self. This recognition seems like an important moment for me. The reason is that much of my activity so far in life has been related to either: 1) things I thought I "should" do or 2) things I was doing to "keep myself on an even keel before the next wave hits". Insofar as I was motivated in this fashion, my will was following directions from the frightened and wounded little child who is in me.
This new space I am referring to, the one where I am doing things just because it makes me truly happy to do so, I'll call "free-space". I think "free-space" is a good term because it actually opens up the space in my heart area. These activities: running, guitar and yoga make me feel good in my body. What makes me feel so good about them has to do with my motivation. I find myself aspiring to grow in my practice of all three.
The "old me" would say, "just do enough of the activity to make it easier to withstand the next blow".
The new me says, "I don't have to live my life hunkered down, waiting for some horrible thing to happen. I can live life as if life is a wonderful and glorious place to be".
This second way of thinking will put me, over time, into a really different relationship to the world and the beings in it. And that's the path I want to take.
Your comments are welcome.
Warmly, Ben
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