For Me

I have done something new lately.   I have started doing some things "for me".   Not because I have to.  Not because I am "supposed to".   Just because it makes me happy to do so.   

One is running.   Another is yoga.  The third is playing guitar.   Now granted,  I am at a pretty low skill level at each of these.   But you know what?   I am OK with that.   I am doing it for me.

Someone might hear me say this and ask,  "You go jogging a few times a week,  do a few sun salutations,  plunk away at a guitar and you're now ready to call a press conference!?"  Admittedly,  these are not earth-shattering activities.   

What's different is my motivation.

A lot of my "doing" activity in life to date has been wrapped up in the patterns I am trying so hard to transform.    A major motivational pattern for me has been:   "There is going to be a crisis soon so I need to be ready for when it hits."      I go to the gym for this reason.   It's not that I love going to the gym.   It's that,  at the level of motivation,   I have to de-stress myself and stay in reasonably good shape so that I can function and be ready for the next crisis to hit.    I always do activities at the gym which are very "safe".   It's hard to get injured riding a stationary recumbent bike.

My going running on a regular basis seems to be shifting the pattern in regards to "working out".   I am doing it because it makes me feel good.     I feel myself growing in the activity rather than just "maintaining".   I am creating something new in my soul  rather than achieving a consistent  state of "readiness".

My yoga practice also carries this feeling of growth,  of making me feel happier being me.  It seems like the yoga and running go together;   one makes my muscles sore and the other makes them all nice and stretchy.   

It's all part of me trying to find a new relationship to my body,  discover a new way to be in my body.    Maybe drop a few pounds.   The pounds are there because,  according to my defense mechanism,   I need to be steady,  strong,  substantial,  to help when the emergency comes.   Also to cover up my shame.   If I were skinny maybe you would see into me in a way that would be uncomfortable for me.   Keep a bit of weight on--keep others at a safe distance.

In the past I did not pursue hobbies much at all.   I didn't know what to do with myself after I was done doing the things I "had to".      The self talk was,  "I don't deserve to do things just to make me happy."   What came into my free time were movies,  video games, etc,     things that did not bring me any measure of contentedness.   They did not leave me feeling good about myself.   When I go running,  try to stick my foot behind my head,   or plunk at the guitar,  I feel good about myself.     

I don't need to be the quiet martyr any more.   I don't need to be ever inwardly prepared for impending disaster.    I don't need to hold myself in the mental sheath of the terrified little kid.   

Out of who I am essentially,  I can grow into what I can be.   

As the great Greg Brown sings,   

"as the branch is bent so shall it grow
that might be true but even so
a strong wind of real love
will straighten us right back up
and we might find a place our heart is welcome"

(From the song,  "If You Don't Get it Home" on the album "Further In")

Your comments are welcome.

Warmly,  Ben