I have started running this week. It's the first time in my life I have run just for the sake of running. I played sports as a kid and would run to train for the sport. I was pretty fast but, for some reason, running for running's sake just did not appeal. For me, it was like the t-shirt worn by the high school cross-country runner: "Our sport is your sport's punishment". Somehow, I have always seen running as punishment.
But in the past month I have begun to think differently about running. My step-daughter, an avid runner, is my inspiration in this department. I made up my mind to start running a 2 mile course through our neighborhood three times a week. My step-daughter told me that beginners do well by going back and forth between running and walking. She suggested I run three minutes, walk three minutes and repeat pattern until I return home. Then, when I feel fairly confident with the 3 and 3, go to 2 minute/2 minute, then 1 minute/1 minute, and finally, run the whole course.
So far I've gone a grand total of 3 times, and have the sore legs to prove it. But, I am enjoying it so far, and am not discouraged by the fact that I probably could walk about as fast as I'm currently able to run.
Something I've noticed is that running is enlivening for me. I am more perky, more wakeful after I've done my run/walk. Normally, my exercise tends to be walking with my wife, riding the recumbent bike at the gym I belong to, and some light weight lifting. Since I was in high school I've never been in great shape; neither have I been in terrible shape. I've skirted this place of being "sort of" in shape. Exercise makes me feel good (as do the spa, sauna and steam room at the gym!) It helps me to stay relatively grounded. It helps me to process tension, anger, frustration and sluggishness. It helps the chromic stress that builds up in my shoulders to soften a bit.
One way to look at my relationship to exercise is to see it as reflecting the thought: "Keep yourself at a basic state of readiness for the bad shit that is bound to be coming your way".
I have never really pushed myself to see how far I can train my physical body. I have not tried to get really good at any sport or physical activity. I have, truth be told, plodded along a mediocre path of "basic readiness for the coming bad shit". I have been pretty sleepy around this issue. I think I may be ready to wake up around it. My model for reforming my thinking on the issue is my 18 year old step-daughter. She seems to have a very healthy relationship with fitness. Sometimes it just takes hanging out with people who are doing things the way you'd like to do them.
Another reason I never thought much about running was this: I thought that I should do low impact exercise so as not to stress my joints. My dad blew his knew out when he was in high school and had to forgo a football scholarship because of it. My wife suggested that perhaps my carefulness about "joint stress" had to do with my knowledge of dad's injury. Could be. What's for sure is that I have been very cautious in this area. Very likely too cautious. Boring.
The wakefulness and alertness I feel after running is not due to simply getting exercise. I don't feel that way after the stationary bike and Nautilus. I think it has to do with impact. My body, 205 pounds worth, coming into impact against the earth. It wakes me up.
An insight I had today was that, when I was growing up, I was always "bracing for impact" in some way. Shocks came to me early on that turned my life upside down. Then I had a mom with untreated bipolar who was the only one really looking out for me. I got, at a basic level, that she was not well suited to create a stable family life for me. She did her best, but I was always on guard for the next shoe to drop.
So I developed a personality that was, and still is, trying to avoid "impact" of all kinds. And if I was not able to avoid it, at least I would be in a state of readiness so that I could absorb the impact, whatever it might be, without being swept away.
Problem is, this survival mechanism I've created doesn't even do the job it's designed for. It does not protect me from shocks. It does not even work all that well in absorbing the shocks. The reason is that the mechanism is an instrument of the lower self. It's based on fear. Fear of loss. Fear of being overwhelmed. Fear of having whatever is currently good in my life being swept away.
I don't need to judge this coping mechanism of mine as "bad". I can readily see why I created it in the first place. I can have compassion for the little guy who was trying to survive in difficult circumstances. But I also do not need to keep this same mechanism going into the future. I can become aware of it and make other choices.
Just maybe, the "impact" of my body against the earth when I run is a good thing. Maybe I can step out of the exercise rut I've been in for most of my adult life. Maybe I can redefine my relationship to "impact". Healthy impact is the kind that builds strong bones, joints and ligaments. It could help me to get in shape and maybe drop a few pounds. Healthy impact may help me be more confident and less fearful, to be stronger and more empowered in my body.
What do I have to lose?
Your comments are welcome.
Warmly, Ben
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