Becoming an Adult

How does a person become an adult ?   What does it mean to be an adult?   Obviously it does not have to do strictly with chronological age.    Some younger people are clearly more mature than some of their elders.     Often,  people are mature in some ways and not so much in others.   What accounts for this variation and wide range of experience?

My sense is that a major factor is often early-childhood experiences.   This blog is, in large part, about my looking at as many of my childhood patterns as seem to pertain to transforming the parts inside myself that hold me back.    It's clear to me that these patterns have stood in the way of my becoming fully adult.    The overwhelming influence has been the models my parents gave me.    And by models I mean this:

Children model their parents very profoundly.   I believe that the depth of this modeling is only very partially understood by modern science and psychology.   Children imprint on the movements,  speech,  and thoughts of the parents very, very deeply.   If the parents are careful and successful with their parenting,  they are able to provide good (enough)  models and then help the child to find their own unique voice and expression,  as s/he matures.   

At the same time,  we must keep firmly in mind a paradox about us as humans:  while we imprint out parents very deeply,  we are also,  each of us,  an individual whose true identity has nothing to do with our parents or anything earthly.   We are spiritual beings on an earthly journey.    

So while I must deal with these patterns,  I must also keep in mind that I am not,  essentially,  in any way touched by them.    This knowledge gives me courage to tackle stuff that might otherwise be too scary.      I know that the shame I feel is not related to my essential self.   Shame is something I have learned through difficult formative experiences.   Shame is not intrinsic to who I am.   

The knowledge of myself as a spiritual being does not mean I get to skirt the hard stuff and just focus on rainbows and flower-filled meadows.   It means I can tackle my lower-self issues and work to transform them.

As I ask myself this question about becoming an adult,  an obvious fact immediately comes up:   neither of my parents ever fully became an adult themselves.  

 My dad was not able to find his way successfully into adult life.   He was a Marine.   He was in college for the better part of a decade and got a PhD.   He had prestigious jobs for several years but his alcoholism kept pulling him under water and he ended up drowning.   He was not able or willing to follow through on his commitment to be a father to me or husband to my mom.     One could see his choice as "I'd rather drink than face my issues and create the life I am capable of having".   And  "I'd rather drink than face my pain sober."

My mom also became well educated.   She earned a Master's degree and had part-time jobs with a University and as a consultant.    After my dad and she split,  she got a professional job and did that for about eight years.    At that time,  her boss was about to fire her when she quit and moved to the town where her mom lived.   From then on,  her employment and ability to support herself was firmly protected by the family.      One way of looking at mom's path is that she "gave a shot at being an adult but, when it didn't work out,  she came under the family wing."   

A major stumbling block for mom is that she has not acknowledged many of the "facts of the case".   She did not admit that she was being supported by the family.  In her mind she was the one who was supporting my grandma,  and not the other way around.   My mom often creates fantasies about what has happened.   These fantasies are self-protective but ultimately keep her from growing up.   We cannot make sense of such difficult and complex personal issues if we are not able or willing to acknowledge facts.   And obviously,  her having bipolar didn't make things any easier for her.

Interestingly,  my mom is making more strides in acknowledging facts now than she ever has.  It seems like baby steps from my perspective,  but at least there are steps!   It seems like she is more of an adult now than she has ever been.   This is also great for me because it means she is less reliant on me for basic moral support.   Her growth in this area is my windfall as well as hers.

So where does this leave me?   

In some ways I grew up pretty normal.   I did well enough in school.   I had friends.   I had relatively healthy movement and became fairly good at sports.  I was able to learn the basics of a musical instrument and sang in a choir.   

But I missed a lot along the way.    I was imprinting,  in all kinds of ways,  the thoughts, feelings, attitudes,  behaviors,  etc. that led both of my parents to do well in school but not know to make life work in the long-term.   They were not able to show me how to become a successful adult.   What do I mean by "successful adult"?  

1)  Someone who is able to support themselves financially.   If they choose to spend time raising children (and making less money),  it is a conscious and rational choice.

2)  Someone who takes on responsibilities, especially the big ones,  that they know they can follow through on.

3)  Someone who can accurately assess what is going well and not going well relative to those key responsibilities.

4)  Someone who does not make excuses if they fall down relative to the responsibilities.   Acknowledging error is key to correction of ensuing problems.

5)   Someone who is able to consciously defer their own needs,  if needed,  in service of key responsibilities.

I have found myself in mid-life realizing that I am,  like my parents at this age,  not yet an adult.     I am not blaming myself.  I'm just stating a fact.

Growing up I did not receive much guidance as to how one makes his way in the world.   My mom deals with the broad stroke and has a lot of difficulties getting into the details of any given activity.     For example,  she has always styled herself a gardener but has never gone beyond a surface level of working with plants.    She has trouble developing her skills in a methodical way and therefore has gaps in her skill and knowledge base on most subjects she's interested in.   

And when she presents herself to others as "gardener" she has a protective gesture due to her having less knowledge than others who call themselves "gardener".   So people who interact with her soon learn that they have to be tactful so as not to pop her bubble.

I was raised through the lens of my mom.   How this worked for me is that she projected a similar kind of structure regarding competencies on to me.    The main way this worked is that she did not orient me to a lot of things.   She struggled in showing me how to develop a skill of any kind.   She often assumed I would just spontaneously know how to do something;  then she'd get mad at me for not being able to do very well.   

This created two challenges for me.  

1)  I was confused about how to go about becoming competent at something.

2)  I assumed that I had some kind of defect or that I had missed some secret information that others had about getting good at things.

This transfers today into my seeing myself as having natural gifts but not a lot of developed skills.    So now that I am seeing into this pattern more,  I can work both to heal the wounds and to build the skills.   

Being aware is good.   Forgiving myself is good.   Forgiving my parents is good.   I still have a ways to go before I achieve #3.   

Your comments are welcome.

Warmly,  Ben