Clear eyes. This is a look a person has when experiencing being centered, even if only briefly. A person is willing to "just be" in the moment and the eyes tell us that s/he is confident to be in that moment. S/he doesn't have to rush to get anywhere. S/he doesn't have to do anything other than what s/he's doing. The mind is relatively still. S/he comes across as grounded.
I don't remember my mom ever being there. My experience of her is always moving along towards another idea, another perception, another explanation of something from her life. Pushing with some urgency from one topic to another. When talking with me she has never, in my memory, stayed on the same subject for more than a few thoughts, before moving on to the next one. We have never really delved into a topic; rather we skim along and hop from one relatively surface aspect to the next. And then to something unrelated to the previous subject.
This skipping from lilly pad to lilly pad is a strong element of how my mom thinks. It's how she approaches any situation she faces in life. Her way of thinking seems to me to intertwine very closely with the bipolar symptoms of "racing thoughts", "flight of ideas" and "distractibility". And because her model of thinking is the one which formed the basis of my thinking, the symptoms are part of my approach as well.
Here are some descriptions from
What are racing thoughts & flight of ideas?
Racing thoughts literally mean that thoughts race, or go very fast. Racing thoughts usually present with flight of ideas.
In flight of ideas, the subject of thought changes very quickly. A person suffering from this bipolar symptom will change the topic of conversation frequently.
What does it feel like to have racing thoughts & flight of ideas?
Racing thoughts and flight of ideas leave the person feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.
Although the person may feel worn and tired, the inability to fall asleep can result in feelings of frustration.
How do I know if someone suffers from racing thoughts and flight of ideas?
The person may be highly distracted and change the subject of the conversation constantly.
Pressured speech is common. The words may sound rushed and sentences are scrambled. He or she is unable to talk fast enough to keep up with their thoughts and ideas.
The person may share with you that their thoughts are going very fast, feeling uncomfortable and annoyed by their incessant thinking.
How does this bipolar disorder symptom impact life?
Racing thoughts may trigger insomnia or interfere with a person's ability to work, study, or to enjoy leisure activities. It is difficult to fully interact with the external environment when the mind is active and draws attention inward.
The person may be busy, but unable to accomplish a great deal. Their attention shifts consistently and the person begins to work on other things without finishing tasks in progress.
Bipolar mania sufferers often report they have no control over their thoughts and are unable to slow them down. This may prevent them from falling asleep at night.
What is distractibility?
Distractibility is an inability to maintain focus or attention. Minimal stimuli cause the mind's attention to divert and wander.
The person may be distracted internally (thoughts, feelings, ideas or emotions) and externally (environmental events and physical stimuli).
What does distractibility feel like?
The person may feel frustrated by their inability to pay attention. The mind may feel out of control.
How can I recognize distractibility?
The person's productivity decreases. He or she may seem 'lost'.
New projects are started prior to completion of current or old ones. The person is unable to maintain attention on simple and short activities.
The person changes the subject of the conversation frequently.
He or she seems busy and occupied, while at the same time, not getting much done.
How does distractibility impact life?
Tasks of daily living such as work, studying, or leisure activities become difficult. For example, a student may be unable to stay attentive in class and find it difficult to submit assignments on respective deadlines.
Distractibility, by itself, is a cognitive challenge. When present with other symptoms of bipolar disorder, distractibility is debilitating. It makes the success of already unrealistic and manic goals and activities even less likely.
Distractibility usually presents simultaneously with other bipolar mania symptoms. The combined effect of these symptoms can leave the person unable to perform activities of daily living
The symptoms of flight of ideas and distractibility are basic parts of of the mental environment I grew up with. I dealt with them in different ways.
One response I had was to become more quiet as a person. My mom was almost always getting a new idea in her head and she wanted to share it. I learned how to listen. But my listening had two modes. One was that I would more or less pretend to listen but took very little interest in the content of what she was saying. There was often such a stream of information and it was jumping to a variety of topics which may or may not have much to do with each other.
I still do this on the phone fairly often with my mom. When she's in a manic state and needs someone to talk to. I half-listen and "skim" for relevant information.
My other way of listening was when part of me feared that she was escalating. Then I would listen to the meta-message behind the stream of words. I would get indications about whether I needed to go into a protective or "alert" status. When I went into alert I would feel like I was the adult and she was a teenager I needed to look out for. A big problem with that, of course, is that I did not have the resources of an adult, just the feeling of being responsible.
An example of this recurred when she and I were on trips. It seems the symptom of distractibility is relevant in this case. A typical scenario unfolded as follows: We would fly into a city and get a room at a motel or hotel. She would be very excited about a variety of things she could do in the city and would want to drive the rental car off to explore these ideas of hers. I was not interested in said adventures and told her I would sit in the room and watch TV. She would say she'd be "back in an hour" and that we'd do something together after that.
After about 2-3 hours I would start to worry. Scenarios of what could be happening began to run through my head. She was dead. She was in the hospital. What was going to happen to me, I wonder? Would I live with my grandparents? After four hours I would start pacing the room. This was in the time before cell phones. You couldn't just call someone if they were out and about. And she never called me.
Finally, she arrived back at the room. The light and excited mood she was in when she left has been replaced by stress, upset, tension. She got lost. Someone cut her off on the road. She couldn't find the place she was looking for. She was going around in circles for hours. It was a disaster. I need to sleep.
So then, by hour five or six in the motel room, I am watching her sleep. Part of me is relieved I don't have to figure out how to call the police and report a missing person. Part of me is very irritated because this is not the first time it's gone like this.
Finally, she's slept and is ready to get up and go get some supper. By now her mood is on the upswing and she's sharing the thoughts that are coming to her. I listen. If I ever do share something she finds something in her experience which is like what I said and continues talking. Did she ever listen to me? Has she ever listened to me? I can't really say she has.
It seems to me a truism that to parent well one has to give attention to the child for sustained periods of time. A parent has to be present with the child even when it's hard or if there is something else that might seem more interesting in the moment. One has to be able to focus on being with the child and noticing what his needs are. One has to be interested in the child's thoughts. A more advanced level would be to not only be interested in the child's thoughts but to help him develop his thinking through listening deeply and offering helpful feedback.
My mom's frequent distraction and the stream of ideas she had coming to her much of the time meant that she was not able to focus on me. She was with me physically but her attention was somewhere else. The constant surge of thoughts coming into her mind made empathy very difficult.
Beyond the obvious self-esteem issues that come along with not having been listened to, there are other challenges I find in myself. The fact that mom was often distracted and had bursts of ideas coming through her a lot of the time means that my own thinking and ability to plan and follow through are diminished. I have a natural intelligence that can make me seem pretty capable. But often I find that it is very hard for me to get into the details of something, track it all the way through a process, and follow through to the ending point. My mind starts to scatter at a certain point. I lose focus. I forget the previous details and lose track of how to pick up the process where it left off and move it forward. I tend to look for processes that I can wrap up in one session, because it can be very hard for me to effectively track more long-term projects.
One place this impacted me was in getting my footing with education. I never really oriented to what higher education was about. I was taking classes. I was getting good grades, getting a degree. It was just what I was supposed to do. But I was not oriented in how one translates that into a job. My mom was not able to orient me to any of the issues beyond "get a college degree".
Now one could say, "If your family couldn't do that for you, why not just ask someone else to do it?" The thing is, I didn't have the consciousness to ask for help. I didn't admit to myself that my mom's thinking was off. I pretended like I knew what I was doing, even though I didn't. When I graduated college I was stuck. I did not know what to do. So I went home. My mom had recently divorced her husband and so the mood of the household felt much safer to me. I could be clueless in a place where I didn't need to pay rent.
I began working retail and substitute teaching. A friend of the family approached me with a Myers-Briggs type indicator and told me I should be an elementary school teacher. I did not know what else I would do so I enrolled in the program at the local college. My sense of planning and intentionality about that decision was very low. "Well, I might as well do something" I said to myself and plowed into more schooling. As it's turned out being a teacher has been a very rewarding path for me, though not without it's ups and downs (see blog posting for April 1).
In something as important as my vocational path I had almost no process for figuring out what to do. "Throw yourself into life and wing it" is the message I got from mom. I am only gradually finding my way out of that attitude and into one which is more plan-ful.
A question for me as I talk about these kinds of deficits is: which of them are skills which I can improve and which are processing issues which I just have to adjust to? I'd like to think that I can improve the places where I have deficits. I guess a first step is to acknowledge that I've got them. Then work to change them.
Your comments are welcome.
Warmly, Ben
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