A big part of my inner process with this blog is trying to puzzle out the affects of mental illness on my life today. I know that the influences are strong. I also know that they're not always negative. I just want to sort it out as much as I can. With more awareness of the patterns which are influencing my thinking, feeling and behavior I'll be able to be more conscious. And more free.
Even though both of my parents had a mental illness I will be focussing on my mom, as her influence in my life has been far greater. My dad, who suffered from severe alcoholism and major depression, exited my life when I was six years old. Mom, on the other hand, is someone I talk to on the phone every week.
A disclaimer is the fact that I am not entirely sure of my mom's diagnosis. She has been given a diagnosis of Bipolar II: Hypomania by her regular psychiatrist and has worked under that assumption for many years now. Six months ago I was looking at the criteria for that diagnosis and realized that it requires no history of psychosis. My mom has had at least two episodes of psychosis that I'm aware of (1985 and 2000). Nevertheless, the bipolar II criteria seem to fit pretty well for my mom's behavior so I'll use them for this exercise.
For the next several posts I will go over the symptoms of mom's bipolar and look at how their echoes clock into work in my psyche every day. It looks to me like there are at least two ways the symptoms imprinted on me when I was a kid.
First is the case where I developed a behavior in response to my mom's bipolar symptom. For example, I tend to be fairly quiet in large part because of my mom's pressured speech and extreme talkativeness.
Second is the case where I have bipolar behaviors because I modeled them from my mom. An example is how manic behaviors can come out in me occasionally when I am under stress.
It is a somewhat disconcerting exercise to draw a direct (or even indirect) line from my current behavior to aspects of an illness. I think the only reason I can dive happily into such an exercise is that I do not equate my personality (or any quirks therein) as representing my true identity. Furthermore, I strongly sense that my higher nature will be steadily empowered by my unflinching look at my childhood influences. It allows me to see why I am this way. And rather than beating myself up (or finding a way to self-medicate) to lessen the blow of seeing my quirks and flaws, this process allows me to stand back from my lower self and have compassion. Then, after having some compassion for myself, it allows me to go to work and change the parts of me which are trying to send little torpedoes into the best parts of my life.
For the sake of getting started I'll use the DSM IV criteria for Bipolar II: Hypomania, which includes these aspects:
A) A distinct period of abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood, lasting at least 1 week.
B) And at least three of the following:
1.inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
2.decreased need for sleep (e.g., feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep)
3.more talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
4.flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing
5.distractibility (i.e., attention too easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant external stimuli)
6.increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitation
7.excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., engaging in unrestrained buying spree, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments).
In the next several posts I will take up one or two symptoms at a time and discuss how they relate to me.
Your comments are welcome.
Warmly, Ben
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