Tools for Healing, part 1

One of the keys for my healing path so far has been my spiritual life. I have gradually developed a sense of knowing over the past fifteen years which tells me very clearly that my essential self will continue on after my physical body has withered and died. Birth is not the beginning and death is not the end. This is more than belief for me; it is something I know to be true.

An aspect of the topic of spirituality and self knowldedge comes with the the question: What is the relation between my personality and my essential self?

I have written in this blog about what I call my "Bubble", a survival mechanism which I took up at about age six when a number of big waves were threatening to swamp my little boat: my family was splitting up, I was being molested by a baby sitter, dad was exiting my life, and mom was struggling with the launch her professional career as a single mom with untreated bipolar. The Bubble included a number of facets and was quite formative in what developed as my personality.

Both of my parents have had fairly narcissistic personalities. My mom has a strong tendency to refer conversations back to her own thoughts and feelings. When I was a child she was not capable of sustained empathy towards me. She cared for me and loved me but was relatively unaware of what my non-material needs were. My mom very much wanted to be a good parent but, given the fact of her mental illness, and being a single mom with no back-up and holding down a professional job, she was not able to achieve it.

My mom did not perceive and cultivate parts of me that are "me". I believe that she wanted to but her illness got in the way. I grew up like a chameleon, able to take on the colors of the environment around me. As a child I developed an ability for foreign accents and would blend into and endear myself to wherever I was.
I did not develop a strong sense of self as a child. It was, and is very easy for me to take on other peoples' agendas and lose track of what I think on the matter. Part of me can just go where the breezes would have me go. This comes from my being very tuned into mom, where her mood was, what she was wanting to do.

A very helpful tool I've found in shedding light on this question is the Enneagram. The Enneagram is a way of understanding our expression in the world. One aspect of the model is that it acknowledges human beings as having a spiritual essence. It says that we develop a certain kind of personality based on our childhood upbringing. It then goes into both the dark side and light side which emerges from the same kind of personality structure.

The Enneagram helped me to become aware of some of my weaknesses and acknowledge some of my strengths. Because my basic sense of self was fairly weak due to my background, this tool has been very useful to me. For me to see myself as I really am in the world can be a real challenge. Afterall, my primary models, the ones who were there to orient me to the world, suffered from mental illness and alcoholism. It was very difficult for my parents to be my guides into the world.

In addition, they were not able to be models of having strong sense of self.

In my next post I will describe my "Point" on the Enneagram and how it has been a useful tool for me.

Your comments are welcome.
Warmly, Ben