Most people, by the time they hit middle age, have to deal with the prospect of their parents aging. I am no different. Most people have to deal with at least some conflicted feelings, issues they carry with them from childhood which get in the way of an easy relationship with mom and/or dad.
I blogged last week about how my mom came into the station to pick me up a few weeks ago and absent-mindedly left her car running in the parking lot. I was confronted with the question of whether this was "garden-variety" forgetfulness or a sign of something where she might need more support. Since then, when I spoke with her several days ago, mom told me that she checked herself into the ER with what she described as a pain in her chest and a lot of anxiety.
The upshot of her ER visit is that there are a couple of medical issues, other than the bipolar, she may be dealing with. I don't yet have enough info to know how to respond. But I do have feelings that come up. My upset arrives at multiple levels.
First, she's my mom. I love her and care about her welfare. The simple fact of her experiencing illness is upsetting to me.
Second, I am the only apparent person there for "base-line back up". She has friends where she lives but I am the main bottom-line back up for her as she ages. This freaks me out at the level of how her aging may affect my life over time.
Third, I don't want her to live in my town, at least not yet. Contemplating this prospect freaks me out. Her social network is in the town where she lives; she has very little, other than me and my family, where I live.
Fourth, I have huge ranges of conflicted feelings about her. I love her. I am very angry at her. The issues I have with her are not likely to be resolved any time soon. I can, and will, continue working on myself but this anger, at some level, always simmers between her and me.
Fifth, I defined my young self in part around the idea of "keep mom afloat and you stay afloat" What does that mean for her eventual weakening and death? If my mission in life as a child was "save your mother" what happens when I am not able to do that? Will I, at some level, feel like I have fundamentally failed at life? If so, how will I deal with that?
Sixth, I am very attuned to her. My wife asked me the other day "where are you?" because I was somewhat checked out. There seemed to be a correlation with my mom's visit to the ER, even though I was not aware of it until days later. Are my mom and I connected on the energetic plain to a degree where I experience what she is experiencing? What does that mean for me as she ages?
Seventh, Mom did not tell me about her visit to the ER until I called her three days later. What do I do with the prospect that she may or may not communicate with me about her health needs? One of the symptoms of her bipolar is "lack of insight". That could lead her to ignore medical or other concerns and possibly exacerbate the situation.
Eighth, can I trust her memory about the details? Sometimes she comes across as clear and has a good memory. Other times there are big gaps. What is going on that she simply forgets about?
I am sure there are other areas of inner turmoil I experience around my mom aging. In fact, they may be unconsciously rolling around in my gut at this very moment.
It helps to try and understand the various aspects of what I may be feeling. My feelings can be complicated. I can imagine being overwhelmed by them as my mom shows signs of aging and I become more involved in supporting her.
Keep breathing.
Your comments are welcome.
Warmly, Ben
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