I started this blog one year ago this week. My goal was to go spelunking in my own consciousness. Specifically, I wished to delve into my behavior, feeling and thought patterns relating to my parents' mental illness and alcoholism. During this year I have touched on quite a range of topics. Each week I have brought out my process, wherever it happened to be. I have tried to be methodical, while also being true to my process in the moment. It has been a very, very healthy process for me. Far from being a straight line, my writing the blog has nevertheless helped me to grow in ways I never have before.
A primary gift has been, for me, sharing what before had been taboo. My whole adult life I have wanted desperately to be "not-damaged". Until recently, a big part of me wanted, like my family of origin, to sweep as much as possible under the rug. I had been reasonably successful with this strategy up to a point. About a year and a half ago I suffered burn-out in my teaching job and had to transition out during the school year. In some ways I now have moved on from that experience; and at the same time it still haunts me.
A big part of this blog is me picking up the pieces of that recent trauma, and seeing how I can make my life stronger, rather than feel permanently diminished by the experience.
When I was in my mid-twenties I started a spiritual path. I was able to see, to some degree, into a world that was about perfection and not earthbound. My higher self was overjoyed to join a spiritual path and my life seemed, from that time on, to unfold in a wonderfully lawful way. I probably said to myself something like: "Maybe I can just focus on my higher self; my lower self, the part of me which is deeply wounded, can just shrivel up and blow away." I've found that it's not as easy as that. Pain can make us wiser.
At this stage of my process I still believe very deeply that my higher self will win the day. But I also see what a task it will be. It's about my mental habits every day. It's about my bravely delving into all the nitty gritty bits and crying the tears I didn't get to before. Each issue I come towards seems huge at first, then lessens in strength as I muster the courage to tackle it. For example, right now I am dealing with this soul spot I come to which I call "stunned". It has to do with being abandoned by my dad and not having anyone truly console me for this loss when I was a kid.
"Stunned" seemed like a huge boulder not long ago. It was a mood that overtook my consciousness. At times I have been at the total effect of the wound I had sustained 36 years ago. Now that I have named the wound and have begun the process of healing it, the boulder seems big, but not as big as it did just a few weeks ago.
I received an email from my mom recently. What she said in it tells me that she has evolved over the past year as well. She is deeply tied to me; often not in a very healthy way. She does not have particularly strong sense of self and can cross very deeply into my boundaries whenever I let her. I have slowly learned to be more respectful of myself and not allow her to do it. My wife has been a huge help in this project. My drawing clearer boundaries with my mom has allowed our relationship to evolve somewhat. We're making progress. Here's the email:
"I am learning a lot about mentally I'll mothers in [a NAMI Family to Family] class so I guess we have more to talk about one day. I am so happy you have a group and your loving family to help you outgrow what you missed growing up. That is what I had to do too, and you have helped me so much, especially with [your wife's] help. Keep growing and connecting with other spiritual beings and your life will be filled with growing hope and joy. I love you. Mom"
She connected to NAMI very soon after I became interested in it. That seems like a good place for her to create "reality" around what mental illness means to the families. What she says in this email is not earth-shattering in terms of empathizing with my experience. But it is a clear step towards acknowledging how difficult my childhood was and how the problems that made it difficult have been shrouded in secrecy until very recently. I can honor her progress as well as mine.
The one-year anniversary seems like a good opportunity to state some goals for the coming year.
*I will continue to delve into, and transform, the traumas which come out of my childhood (as well as more recent ones).
*I will acknowledge my fears and talk about them.
*I will acknowledge my unhealthy patterns, talk about them, and try to find new patterns which enhance my life.
*I will work to deepen the relationships I have, even if I feel vulnerable and fearful in doing so.
*I will commit to my own well being by taking on life-enhancing hobbies.
*I will actively work to increase my feeling of peace around my dad.
*I will communicate more frequently to friends and family.
Here's to a fruitful year two!
Your comments are welcome,
Warmly, Ben
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