In these past several posts I have been trying to look at my mom's illness on a symptom by symptom basis. My purpose is to try to understand the effects of her illness on my emerging self back when I was a kid. My mother was far and away my primary model. Dad was completely out of the picture by the time I was six and there was no other person who was a regular, daily part of my life during the time I was growing up.
It seems to me that the personality of a person emerges in and is formed by one's family environment. This fact is no less true for someone whose parents are mentally ill. As I survey my behaviors and personality now at age forty one, I can see plenty of things I like, and other things that make me pretty uncomfortable. It can be disconcerting to think that a personality trait that one values may be a direct reflection of a mentally ill model. And it's scary to think that my own behavior could, at times, be seen as "mentally ill".
In spite of my discomfort I must look at this piece and try to make honest sense of it.
The next symptom from the DSM IV is the following:
"Excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., engaging in unrestrained buying spree, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)"
My mom has often been an easy audience for people peddling ideas. She quickly wants to sign on to something when there's hype around it. She has jumped on many, many bandwagons and spent a lot of money in the process. Because she's had the support of the family her financial habits have not had dire consequences.
This has been both a blessing and a curse. The obvious blessing is that she is not in financial meltdown due to her challenges in effectively managing money. The curse is that she hasn't reviewed the errors to see how she might have done things differently. She does not acknowledge any of her mistakes and in the rare instance that I bring up something of this nature, she quickly changes the subject.
For the most part mom has kept away from sexual indiscretions. One exception when I was a kid was when she took me to a man's house who I never saw before or after. When we got there he showed me to his garage where there were some pieces of wood, hammer and nails (he was a builder). Then he and mom went back into the house. After I had built something with the wood I wanted to show my mom and he what I had done. I came through the living room and onto the back deck where they were having sex. I was shocked and stood back. They did not become aware of me though I was only a few feet away. I went back to the garage and waited for mom to return.
I have never brought this up with her and I am guessing that she wouldn't remember it if I did.
She did seem to have a regular sex life when I was a kid. I remember a number of boyfriends she had over the years who came over to spend the night. They were pretty discreet compared to the episode mentioned above. What stands out to me is how she told me when I was older how she forwent having relationships for many years "because she was focussed on parenting me." That is a picture very much at odds with the one I hold.
For me, "retail therapy" has often been an outlet with negative consequences for my credit card bill. My own buying behavior has never been "unrestrained" but it has been ungrounded for much of my life. I have had the habit of buying things because it made me feel good to have an experience of material "abundance". I am gradually coming out of this kind of psychological dependence on the act of buying. Sexual indiscretions have been there for me too, though not since I was in my early twenties.
There have been a number of instances in my life where my thinking became ungrounded, and I displayed manic-tinged fantasy-laden thoughts and reasoning. Usually, but not always, it was times when I was under stress. I have been very fortunate that there have been people around me who have pointed out my behavior to me so that I could become aware of it. If no one had it might be very difficult to change the behavior, and the affects on my life of behaving that way would not be positive.
The way the manic pattern works has a similar basis each time it's happened. Often it has to do with something I want to do but which is not really grounded in the "facts on the ground". Once it was wanting to buy a house which was way out of my price range. Another was a hiking trip in bear country. Another was a relationship with a girlfriend. In each case my recklessness was kept in check. I am fortunate that the consequences of my own ungrounded behavior have not been more serious.
Reflecting back on these experiences make me question my own thinking. It seems to me that part of the reason I have few friends I keep in touch with is that I am ashamed of my occasional ungrounded thinking. I don't want to be "found out".
A big part of the reason for this blog is to root out my own shame. I want to be able to see my own behavior clearly, acknowledge the shortcomings both past and present, and then forgive myself.
I'm not there yet. But by talking about it I am steadily gaining ground.
Your comments are welcome.
Warmly, Ben
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