So I am going to visit mom this week and it kinda freaks me out. I visit her every year and she comes to visit me and my family a few times a year. I call her dutifully every week. The phone is way easier than being in her house. My life is so different than it was. I have grown a great deal since I left home. I am significantly less in my mom's "orbit" than I was even ten years ago. I have built my own life which is very different from hers. I feel good about where I am. But I still get freaked out about paying her a visit. And being an only child I can still feel very much the orbital pull.
Especially since she's been pretty manic lately. In the past month she's questioned whether she's ill anymore and now talks about being "healed" from her bipolar. It's true that she is high functioning in many ways. But one of the symptoms of bipolar is "lack of insight" about having the illness. It appears that what I see as "manic" just feels to her like somewhere on the scale between "good" and "great".
I imagine that when she is tending on the manic side she experiences her thoughts flowing creatively; she can see connections between things which ordinary people are oblivious to. The flow of her life becomes majestic and covered with sparkling dust. In the last few days some issues have come up for her which, in my opinion, are covered with sparkling dust.
The first issue is that she is simultaneously in a manic state and questioning whether she even has a mental illness. It was a week ago that she told me she's not so sure the term bipolar refers to her and that she thinks she might very well be totally recovered.
The second is in regard to her personal life. She met with an old friend for lunch a few days ago and has been spinning elaborate fantasies ever since. If I contradict her she gets very mad at me. So what I have to do is very carefully and diplomatically find the right timing to inject a few factual statements into the mix. This will allow her to ground to reality and come down from the cloud of sparkling dust.
I feel stressed out. My wife has to deal with all this too. It's stressful for both of us. And the two of us have to be ready for whatever my mom sends our way. If we are not grounded in our response, there could be sparks flying and lead to an unpleasant experience for all involved.
Last December my mom stormed out of our house on Christmas Eve because, on the spur of the moment, she wanted to stay with us an extra several days past the 26th, which had been our agreed departure date (she'd already been staying with us for a week). We knew she would be fine if we said "no" and so we said "no". Our being very grounded and consistent allowed the situation to resolve within twenty-four hours but it was just a very stressful way to spend Christmas.
A few years ago when I visited she had a panic attack and we went to the ER. Last summer we were on a boat trip during my visit and she fell in such a way that she was VERY lucky to have walked away unscathed.
To put it simply, it is often a stressful time. I enjoy many moments with my mom but find that there is a stressful theme that runs through our visits. A big part of it is, no doubt, that we have massive amounts of unresolved issues between us. We behave in a loving ay towards each other. And at the same time there is a mine-field between us as we try to hug each other.
I am not terribly sanguine about our resolving these issues any time soon. If we make some progress in the years to come I will be very happy and think of it as a huge success.
As I look towards this particular visit I have to carefully help mom come back to reality in regards to at least one basic point: continuing to be committed to taking her pill twice a day. I don't think she's going to stop doing that but one never knows. If she were to stop taking her meds my life would likely become a lot more stressful than it is.
Her psychiatrist moved out of town four months ago and gave her prescription renewals for six months of pills. She had not contacted a new psychiatrist until I mentioned it a few times. Then she realized the one she had planned to see had also moved out of town. It looks like there's someone else who's available so it should be fine in that regard. But her nonchalance is a bit troubling to me. I see the treatment she's getting as THE foundation stone on which her high quality of life stands. So I would feel more assured if she took it more seriously.
Then there's the issue that I think she may be misdiagnosed. Her diagnosis is bipolar 2: hypomania. However as I have looked into her diagnosis I have seen in bold letters that the person must have "no psychotic episodes" to have that specific diagnosis. My mom has had two psychotic episodes of which I am aware. So I think her previous psychiatrist may have given her the wrong diagnosis. How do I bring to her that I think she might have a more intense form of bipolar than she thinks she does when she is questioning whether she has bipolar at all?
Now you may be seeing how I have become a very diplomatic person due to my upbringing. Most of my life I have been tuned into my mom's mood on a regular basis. As a child I was tuned into the daily swings. Now, as an adult I am tuned in on the week to week level. If she is manic I find a gentle way to let her know my perception. If she has fantasy thinking I try to offer sensible advice without telling her what to do. She gets very mad at me if I tell her what to do.
I care for my mom and want her to have the best life she can have. I also am protective of my own life. If she were to go too far in mentally ill thinking and need greater support, that could involve me at a level I'd rather not be. In other ways my mom is very healthy so I can count my blessings in that regard. But I can sure feel my neck and back muscles tensing up as I come to within twenty-four hours of being in her house.
Time to go to the gym.
Your comments are welcome.
Warmly, Ben
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